Finding the Real Me #1

I have not posted much for some time, mostly for two reasons: too much to say, or nothing to say. Mostly I have been doing some deep soul-searching, and treading the waters of my life. I say treading, because lately that’s what it feels like. I’m not drowning, but I’m far from swimming adeptly.

“Ripples”, by Aphrodite, 2016. Patterns are made by the ebb and flow of events…they leave their mark, and are what make us unique. Sometimes the ripples are pretty, other times, not so much…

Soul-searching sounds cool, but it’s hard work. You find a lot of crap buried in there that you didn’t expect to find. Then you have to deal with it. If you’re lucky, you’ll face up to it and be able to transform/integrate it into your greater “Self”.

I just discovered something not so pleasant about myself. I have serious intimacy issues. This is from Harley Therapy Counselling Blog:

Intimacy is often mistakenly thought to just be about romance. But physical intimacy is only one form of this important aspect of human nature. The verb ‘intimate’ translates as ‘to make known’.
So intimacy is simply a term for letting yourself be closely known and experienced, even as you make an effort to deeply know and experience others.You can have intimacy with partners, friends, children, or siblings.

Well, this hit me hard the last day or so when a man I’ve been involved with for some time, and care for dearly, finally gave me an ultimatum. I detest those, but he may have helped me in a way that no one else ever has–because I realize now that I may have had these issues all my adult life. No one has ever cared enough to give me this opportunity.

I’ve been keeping him at a distance, even though he has been open and honest with me in every sense of the word. He has tried to coax me out in the gentlest and most patient of ways. But the closer and more open he became, the more closed up I’ve become. Was this on purpose? No. It is/was a self-defense mechanism. I even reasoned that it was his “pushiness” that was causing me to retreat. That he had expectations of me and that he was not accepting me as I was. When…in fact, he was really more than willing to take me with all my flaws. (Except of course my inability to commit in a real and loving way.)

I have been examining my past, and being raised in a very traumatic childhood where there was no reliability or trust in those that were my caretakers, I learned to wall myself off. I often felt betrayed as a child. Betrayed by the people I trusted. It never occurred to me that this was carried into adulthood. Until now.

I have rarely had boyfriends, even though I lived with a man for 19 years. He was as emotionally distant as I was. We were perfect for each other. Neither of us really got too close to the other one, even though we went through the motions of two people in a committed relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we loved each other very much. We just couldn’t express ourselves in the normal ways that a loving, intimate couple would.

Even my siblings have accused me of being “cold and unemotional”. I claimed that it was because I am a calm and even-keeled person. I am, but they are also right. I am unable to respond in a real and feeling way to those I am close to. But I will cry bucket-loads of tears over an emotionally intense scene in a movie, etc. That may be more of a way to release feelings that are otherwise bottled up?

In the past I have also used alcohol to overcome my resistance to intimacy. I realized some years ago that I was drinking to overcome fears…some anxiety. To be more open and carefree. What a crock. I was a pretend version of me.

When I cut out the heavy drinking, I practically became a homebody-recluse. Not much dating, a lot of time to myself. I did not seek out the company of friends even. I only interacted when someone initiated. How much I have deceived myself…is incredible to see now. I am probably only seeing the surface, too.

I need help, and I intend to get it. I’ve overcome a lot in my life, and I can overcome this, too. First I had to be aware of it. You can’t fix something if you don’t even know it’s there and broken.

The only thing I hope is that my friend will still be there when I contact him, and that he will be willing to work this through with me. He has made incredible strides in his own self-development, and I can’t help but think that the reason was so that he in turn could help me overcome this which I could not even see in myself.

Thanks for reading.

Love, A.

Be one!

Marcus Aurelius is one of those persons I would love to meet one day. I know, I know…he’s dead. That’s not a barrier…or so I believe.:)

Known is a drop, Unknown is an Ocean

Be one

He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe. Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

~ Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome

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I believe a wise teacher by the name of Jesus also said the same thing.:) Hence the power of two or more gathered in prayer.

Known is a drop, Unknown is an Ocean


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Gate A-4

This can happen anywhere, anytime…if we are not afraid to realize that we are mostly the same. No matter our country of origin, it is really the same things that we fear, the same things that comfort us, the same things that make us sad.

A little care and compassion goes a long way, don’t you think?


Live & Learn


Gate A-4 By Naomi Shihab Nye:

Wandering around the Albuquerque Airport Terminal, after learning my flight had been delayed four hours, I heard an announcement: “If anyone in the vicinity of Gate A-4 understands any Arabic, please come to the gate immediately.” Well— one pauses these days. Gate A-4 was my own gate. I went there.

An older woman in full traditional Palestinian embroidered dress, just like my grandma wore, was crumpled to the floor, wailing. “Help,” said the flight agent. “Talk to her . What is her problem? We told her the flight was going to be late and she did this.”

I stooped to put my arm around the woman and spoke haltingly. “Shu-dow-a, shu-bid-uck, habibti? Stani schway, min fadlick, shu-bit-se-wee?” The minute she heard any words she knew, however poorly used, she stopped crying. She thought the flight had been cancelled entirely. She needed to be…

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Isis and the Blood Moon

I definitely know I was in Egypt, and other places where I worshiped the goddess…many times. Isis, Aphrodite, maybe even further back. Do you feel drawn to certain cultures, peoples, ideas? I have met some fascinating people lately, and the pieces of what seems like a puzzle are finally coming together.

Oh, this describes me pretty darn perfectly. What wonderful intuitive insight. How about you? Feeling strange the last few days? Take a read.




a thought…

Yes! Labeling yourself is limiting. You’ve put yourself in a box of preconceived notions, ideas, and mostly other people’s ideas of who you are or should be.

Known is a drop, Unknown is an Ocean


As soon as you believe that a label you’ve put on yourself is true, you’ve limited something that is literally limitless, you’ve limited who you are into nothing but a thought.

~ Adyashanti

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When there is no resistance, then one has integrated the 2 sides of the same coin. The energy flows, and the Master is no longer affected. S/He accepts what is, and realizes S/He is not what is perceived.

Known is a drop, Unknown is an Ocean


The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners.

~ Lao Tzu

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Cat and mouse game

Like a cat

plays with a mouse

before finally devouring it…

is how I want you

to play with me.

Then, take your fill 

with my inevitable release, 

one last breath,

before one last bite.


Last night I watched my cat play with a mouse for about 12-15 minutes, then eat it in about 20 seconds. I’m pretty sure he enjoyed his meal immensely. It made me think that cats really know how to make the most of a good thing. He waited a looooong time for a short meal. But I bet by the time he ate it…it was fabulous.

Then I thought, what if people did that when it comes to any activity? What if we enjoyed the whole time leading up to an event, or a finale? In particular, I thought how fitting this is when it comes to love-making. Isn’t the foreplay and the lead-up to the culmination of sexual desire really the most delicious part? Shouldn’t it be about play, and anticipation, and teasing? The enjoyment before the enjoyment? I think this is how we should strive to live and be (in all things, really).

Cats have refined the art it seems. They do not do a single thing that does not give them some type of pleasure. Anyone up for a game of cat and mouse?😉

Love, A.

I ran across some writing by Ken Carey about the “Bird Tribes”, and I found it rather interesting. I think there is some connection to Thoth, who has presented to the ancients as part bird, part man. So, very fitting that his tribe(s) would be called the Bird Tribe(s). I also have speculations about Thoth and his relation to other “gods”…but I’ll save those for another time. They may just be the fantasies of a curious mind.:)

Regarding this book (of same name) by Ken Carey, I read that he received these messages through what he called the Trinity. In reading the excerpt below, I very much relate it to the personal mission of Jesus, and would even go so far as to say that he may be the speaker. (But I’ve yet to read the book, which is on order!) My understanding of Jesus and his mission is formed through a number of sources I’ve read over the years, not just the bible. Much of it is now planted firmly in my heart. 

It doesn’t matter who we think Jesus was or is, or how the scriptures were modified over the years.  I don’t need to argue with anyone about that, or convince anyone of anything. What matters is what speaks in the heart of each person as Truth. Where I am on my path at the moment is where the words below speak to me deeply.

In my opinion (yes, I know…everyone’s got one…just like something else…haha), the Indigo children (which spanned many years–I may be one of the earliest) are definitely of the Bird Tribes. There is also a group called Blue Ray Beings, that Shekina Rose talks about here. All fascinating stuff! Happy reading. Are you one of the Bird Tribe?  -A.:)


~The Return of the Bird Tribes ~ Excerpt by Ken Carey 

I will come to You first with the consciousness of a child, for it is through this, that you will learn again. No one who is divided within himself will survive the times ahead. They are Times of integration and wholeness.

In times when fear patterns predominate, the laws that humans require are many and complex. But, when those patterns are broken up, as is shortly to be, all human laws shall be abolished. In the Presence of My Spirit, there is but One Law and that Law Is Love; Love ALL, Love What Is, Love Yourself as You Are, and Love Me as I express Through You. See the Unity of Life. The Law of Life is More then a Law, it’s a Way of Life.

It is Written that the day will come when men will no longer live on the bread of matter, but on the living Word of God. Attune. That Day is NOW. Partake of Eternal Energy. Do not reason over and trouble your Hearts. Find the Doorway to this Reality in Your Hearts. My Message is One of Peace, Harmony and Wholeness. I am Restoring you to a state of Health you have not known since before the projection of the physical vehicle. I am Awakening the state of Consciousness we once shared as ONE. Awaken out of your Historical slumber and join those who are already working to usher in this New Reality. Know each other, not by outward form, but by the Love radiated in their Presence. Listen to Me O’ Children of Earth, trust no more in fears, and [the] many lies. Your Collective Creation as a Unified Awareness Center is still to be, but as individuals, the Second Coming is at Hand.

Listen for the Whisper in Your Heart. You will Hear this when Your Thoughts Are Still. Focus Upon this until it Fills your Being and becomes the motivational Energy behind all your actions. If You would Participate with me now in the Implementation of My Will On Earth, Go and Heal. The Only condemnation will be on those who do not Love the Spirit of Life, who choose the things of matter and chase after them with “evil” [ignorant] deeds. Come, learn the Language of the old, the Language of Love, the Language of Light, the Language of no misunderstandings. Go gently in these last days of unconsciousness. Listen to those Voices among your dreams, Listen to the Whisperings in Your Heart.

I will Tell you Also from the Gentle Tribes from which we come, the Tribes whom some Now call Angels, but who in Simpler days were Known as The Bird Tribes. Until Recently you were not in a position to understand these things. For so long as you opened your Heart to the frequencies of fear, you used your power to give credibility to fear’s illusion. We will help you Now tune to the Frequencies that Will Heal your Planet and draw you too your future in the stars. We are the Winged Ones of Heaven, Your Reflections in Perfect Love, the missing dimension needed for your Wholeness.

The ego humans ignored our warnings and departed into worlds of illusion. Their fear stirred up emotional turbulence, which cracked like constant static across the frequencies that were intended to connect us ALL. Further communication was impossible. Your ancestors were so difficult to reach back then. For when Human Beings cut off their Conscious Connection with “Great Spirit” they entered the twilight realms.

So, I made the Choice, I would go to the Heart of the warrior stronghold. My Challenge was to be in their world, but not of it. For I knew too much, technically to be in their world at all. I knew it only existed in their imaginations, a creation entirely made of their fears. So, I did the only thing I could to truly reach them. I took my Spirit and caused it to forget, that I might incarnate among them, and grow up as a child in their culture, allowing my incarnate awareness to be tailored to their fiction, molded in a communication device that would speak their language.

In my Life and My Example, I made the point that Human Beings do not have to be controlled by their fears, that they could relax and surrender all their fears to the fire that burns eternally in the Sacred Heart of God, that they could align themselves with Eternal Love, Become One With the Creator, and Live their lives in Peace, In Harmony with each other, and with a Benevolent Universe. When you choose to relax, you break away from the control of fear’s conditioning. You break the bonds that have historically enslaved your race. In the Expression and restful Enjoyment in Love, you come to know the energies of The Great Spirit. You are Being Invited to Open Your Heart and make welcome for the Immense Creative Energies. You are Being invited to help direct the powers of Eternal Love. There are 2 Requirements. The First is that Your Heart Be Open, Loving, and Able to Channel the Love of God. The Second Requirement is That You Be Fully Present In the Moment of NOW. Then You are Free, Immersed in the Universal Currents of Love. The Great Spirit’s Own Consciousness Flows into Your Heart, and perceives all through you. This is the Gift to the innocent; to see through the eyes of God.

Human egos know they are unfulfilled. They are looking everywhere for what they lack. You grapple externally in the 3 dimensional world, looking for fulfillment outside of yourself. But it’s only the Spirit of God that Can Bring Fulfillment and the Spirit is experienced, not outside of yourself, but within. When You experience Gods Presence within, you perceive the Kingdom Of Heaven without. The intelligence that the Earth Loves and Craves is Present Again in Your Own First Hand Experience. This is the Peace that Surpasses all understanding, the Inner Peace of which your mystics speak of, the peace of mind and Heart, that all true men and woman of God have discovered and known. It comes from remaining true to one’s own Spiritual Nature and thereby remaining in creative harmony with every other part of the Universal Whole.

Often the Presence of an Awakened One Puts Pressure on the Surrounding disharmonies, bringing them to the surface, flushing them out, like a cold will flush out toxins a body may need to remove. Eventually their presence will bring peace, but not at first. Before Peace can come into the Human world, all unhealthy elements have to depart. In cases where people identify with illusion and fail to make the distinction between themselves and what is being removed by their own choice, they choose to depart during these times along with the illusion they have Created. However, You are not Your Present Structures of Understanding. You inhabit a Multi- Dimensional Reality far beyond any structure of thought that could ever be created by your human mind. Know that you are not your thoughts, you are not your ideas, you are not your descriptions of the world around you. You are A Being of Pure Consciousness, which has chosen to manifest on the physical plane. You have incarnated to bring out, develop, and Enjoy the Beauty of The Created Realms.

For wherever there is just One that does not succumb to the emotional undercurrents of fear that would herd you like sheep into some collective folly, there radiates an influence of Peace, Stability, Healing, and Blessing. God will Amplify the Influence of That One and Blend it with the Influence of Others who are incarnate and doing the same. Through these Will Pour The Peace.

WE are here to Calm the troubled waters of collective emotional storms, to Walk Upon Them in Our Understanding, To Bring The Ways Of Love to a human world tossing still in a troubled sea of illusion. We Bring the Torch of Peace that comes from Trust In God. We Bring The Torch Of Wisdom that resolves human differences through Commerce, Communication, Forgiveness, and Honesty. Loving Our enemies, We have no enemies, nor anything to fear. Our Torch Lights Beckon from Above the walls of human turbulence. The Consciousness of The Eternal ONE Shines Forth From Each Light We Hold. Those who struggle and clutch at wreckage in the turbulence below cannot harm US or Our Kind. They can only become Us in time.

~ End of Excerpt From Ken Carey ~

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